The holiday season seems to dial up stress for a lot of folks, and this year, with the added uncertainty created by a global pandemic, many folks are bursting at the stress-seams...especially those who feel pressured to make the season magical and do all the things. (Which is cool — totally your choice! Magic is awesome!)

To deal with this stress, some folks end up soothing themselves (healthy!) or numbing themselves (unhealthy!). Both are motivated by a need for release from reality and responsibility. The goal in each case is to feel better and like we can make it through this tough time. 

Let’s distinguish between the two.  

Numbing =  Disengaging / Escaping / Distracting / Ignoring

Typical ways we numb:

• Physical: food, alcohol, drugs and other substances, excessive exercise, excessive or risky sexual release

• Mental: staying busy so you don’t have to think, escaping through media (TV, internet)

• Emotional: dopamine hits from shopping, gambling, social media scrolling 

• Spiritual: obsessively following a teaching/doctrine, cultism

Soothing = Calming and comforting the nervous system and body, mind and/or spirit

Typical ways we soothe:

• Relaxation practices: massage, yoga, hot tub or bath, aromatherapy

• Connection practices: being with or conversing with loved ones, animals, in nature

• Contemplative practices: spiritual rituals, journaling, meditation

• Energetic practices: movement and exercise

As I consider the distinctions, I can boil it down to this: 

Soothing comes from love; numbing comes from fear.

When we soothe ourselves, we are consciously choosing with the intention to support and comfort ourselves, from a place of compassion, self-love and trust that we’ve got this. It’s like we say to ourselves, “Self, I see you doing your best, and you need some reinforcements. Enjoy this [insert soothing thing].” 

When we numb, often we are choosing what is a) easy and accessible, and b) has an immediate dampening effect on our stress or yucky feelings. We may be saying to ourselves, “Self, let’s run away from this flaming dumpster fire because we can’t deal!” 

The tricky part: sometimes what starts out as a soothing practice turns into a numbing practice. 

What begins as a half-hour escape into storytelling by watching Netflix in the evening turns into planting yourself in front of the TV for hours (days) on end. What begins as a glass of wine on Saturday night turns into a glass of wine at 4 p.m. on Tuesday…and 5 p.m., and 6 p.m. and again on Wednesday, and…

So, when is too much too much?

It can be a very fine line between what’s healthy and supportive, and what’s unhealthy and detrimental. And, that distinction will be completely unique to you. You’ll know when you’ve tipped the balance.  

And this isn’t about judgement. It’s about discerning what’s healthy and helpful to you, what benefits you, what helps you live in integrity with yourself. It’s not about what someone else thinks about your choices.

Signs that you’re near or over this tipping point: 

• It’s all you think about

• You start earlier or increase the frequency of the practice or habit

• It’s automatic or an unconscious habit

• You feel guilty or judgemental later

• It impacts your connections, your quality of life, or your ability to adult

• It feels like it is controlling you, not the opposite

So, if you notice you’ve tipped to numbing and you want to tip back toward soothing, here is a process to help rebalance and shift unhealthy habits and unconscious behaviours.

Step 1: Choose the change you want

What’s the habit you want to shift? 

• I want to not mindlessly scroll through social media for an hour every night.

• I want to drink wine only on the weekend, not every night. 

Be specific:

• Create a boundary or structure: 5 minutes, 15 minutes, 1 hour 

• Or, decide to go cold turkey (do a fast) for a set amount of time: 1 week, 1 month, etc. 

Step 2: Identify the “why” of wanting this change

What will be different when you make this change? 

• I won’t go to bed feeling like my life doesn’t measure up to what I see on social media. 

• I won’t feel like I’ve wasted an hour, again. 

• I will have time to do something before bed that nourishes me. 

Consider both your heart-based/emotional and logical/rationale reasons for wanting to change. 

Step 3: Strategize alternatives

Ask yourself: What choice could I make that soothes, serves and supports me instead of this one? Then find a healthy replacement habit to swap in. A tactic to have handy so you don’t have to come up with a healthy choice is to create a soothing toolkit. Then you can reference it in times of need. Some aspect to consider:

• Physical soothing: heat pack, movement, healing touch, bath, cozy blanket, tea

• Emotional soothing: connection/conversation with a loved on; music or meditation, journaling

• Mental soothing: healthy distraction from responsibility (i.e., 1 episode of a show), reading, meditation, time in nature

• Spiritual soothing: prayer, meditation, time in nature, connection with spiritual community, creating art

Step 4: When you feel the urge to run or numb, pause and notice

Ask yourself: 

• Why am I choosing this? (this can be challenging to answer)

• What am I feeling? (and sit with that for at least 5 minutes)

• What do I really need? 

Step 5: Celebrate progress and reinforce

Reward and acknowledge yourself for every healthy choice you make as you begin to shift your numbing to soothing. 

• When you notice yourself noticing – yay!

• When you meet a commitment – yay!

• When you notice that you didn’t notice or meet a commitment (give yourself some grace) – yay!

And seek support if you need it. Ask a trusted friend or family member to check in with you on your progress, or help hold you accountable to the new behaviour you want to establish. We can often feel shame and judgement when we’ve chosen unhealthy habits, but know that you are not alone. We all numb ourselves sometimes! We’ve all been there, so let others help.   

As we head toward the holiday season, here are some questions for contemplation: 

• What default or unconscious or unhealthy habit are you committed to changing?

• What healthy habit or practice could you swap it for? 

• What supports will you need to follow through?

• What can you tell yourself when you default to numbing?

A couple of fantastic resources about habits, if you want to go deeper, are:

Better than Before (Gretchen Rubin)

Atomic Habits (James Clear)

Or, reach out for help from a professional coach (like me!) to identify and shift habits to support your well-being, especially during these challenging and stressful times.