Welcoming Chaos
Our family recently adopted a puppy.
Her name is Suzanne and we are smitten.
I mean...seriously. Those eyes though.
We’ve been looking for a new furry friend for several months, following the death of our previous dog, Morris, in April. He was a constant companion to each and all of us, especially our daughter during times of anxiety, and my spouse when he relocated to Vancouver Island while the rest of us stayed back in Saskatchewan to sell our farm and finish out the school year, and me as I explored forests and beaches after our family was reunited on the island.
Our preference and past practice has been to adopt older dogs — at least teenagers, preferably adults. Puppies bring a certain level of….chaos with them, and we are a quiet, somewhat orderly household.
However, with super-high demand for dogs during the pandemic, especially where we live, we jumped at the chance to adopt a dog whose siblings would also be going to homes of our friends nearby — folks with whom we used to walk Morris , and continued to show up at the dog park over the past many months without him, just to spend time with other dog people (our friends) and their dogs.
These littermates can grow up together and take on the role of “the littles” of our dog group, which is kinda neat.
With Suzanne’s arrival, my spouse and I have been thrust back into newborn-dom: sleepless nights; learning to interpret the squeaks and whimpers, the facial expressions and postures; thinking we’ve puppy-proofed and finding out what we’ve missed; responding (urgently!) to basic needs — sustenance, toileting, safety; implementing training and positive discipline with {attempted} consistency…and second-guessing, re-configuring, adapting moment by moment.
We haven’t been “new parents” for 10 years, and I’m revisiting the memories and relearning the lessons — good and bad — that being a sleep-deprived, somewhat frantic fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants new parent evokes.
And I’m noticing there’s wisdom that’s applicable to all aspects of my life — parenting (an older child), relationships, business and self-care — in this experience.
So, beginning February 1, I’m sharing 10 Days of Puppy Wisdom (with bonus cute puppy pictures!), one lesson a day, via email.
Because:
Everyone’s heart melts when they see a puppy. (If not, there’s something...off about you. Please get that checked out.)
Looking at cute puppy pictures is a lovely distraction from this pandemic sitch-ee-ay-shon. And we could all use some healthy distraction right about now.
There’s good learning that’s applicable to the rest of our lives (even if we don’t and never will have a new puppy in our home). Learning happens best through stories of real people’s experiences. And stories featuring puppies are delightful!
If you’re already receiving my newsletters, you’ll get these 10 nuggets of wisdom emerging from stories of new puppy-ness starting February 1.
If not, or if there’s someone you know who could use some cute distraction + wisdom, please share this with them so they can sign up too.
Better Resolving
There’s a lot of pressure to make resolutions at the start of a new year.
We’ve heard it all: New year, new you! Fresh start! It’s time to change! Be better!
Typically, folks choose to tackle resolutions that involve improving themselves in some way: losing weight (because there’s a collective narrative that January is when we “need” to drop some pounds), becoming more active, drinking more water and/or less/no alcohol, saving money, getting organized or fill-in-the-blank. If your social media feed is anything like mine — full of ads for weight loss, dry January, decluttering, exercise programs and other self-improvement “solutions” — it’s hard to get away from the barrage of messages about how we need to change. Heck, I’ve got my own program starting next week to help folks change their mindset about living with chronic illness!
There are a lot of options out there, and so many are enticing and can be helpful and worthwhile endeavours...if (BIG IF) they actually are, for you.
However, for many of us, this time of year doesn’t feel like the right time to begin a fresh plan or to modify our habits. It continues to be a time of introspection, hibernation, and simmering of ideas that will push forth in the spring, like new buds. A time to snuggle into the receiving energy of winter, to contemplate and replenish our bodies, minds and spirits. A time to enjoy...being.
So, if that’s you, full permission to dissolve the resolve (in case you need it!).
And if you are someone who’s into resolutions and fresh starts this time of year, that’s great too! Full permission (in case you need it!) to grab your change by the horns and dive in! (Sorry for the mixed metaphors…)
Because it’s not about doing what everyone else is doing.
It’s not about being controlled by the calendar.
It’s about choosing what is right for you, right now, and owning your choices.
As a coach, I’m in the change business. On one level, I help people make big or small changes in their lives — a career shift, a relationship improvement, a project launch or completion. On another level (and maybe more importantly), I help folks change their relationship with themselves, so they can know and trust themselves more fully, and then make the choices that align with who they are and want to be in the world, and then manifest the outward changes needed to reflect that in their lives.
So I’m not “for” or “against” new year’s resolutions, per se. I’m all about change and self-development! I’m “for” thoughtful aligned personal choice, and “against” herd mentality.
Yes to conscious choice (even if it’s scary, unpopular or unclear); no to unconscious following (even if it’s safe, easy and comfortable).
So, if you’re into resolutions or intentions or words or themes of a new year, then here’s my advice to set yourself up (and sustain yourself) for success (on your terms!).
(And, just so you know, you can make a resolution at any time of the year!)
Step 1: Reflect & Listen
Look back on your year, your career, your relationship or your life and notice where you’re feeling both fulfilled or satisfied AND misaligned or unfulfilled. Ask yourself:
What in my life feels good/right/flourishing?
What of that do I want to keep or amplify?
What in my life feels bad/wrong/soul-sucking?
What of that do I want to change or discard?
What in my life is missing/disappeared/wanting?
What of that do I want to welcome and grow?
Turn inward, and listen to your responses to these questions. Listen at all your levels of being:
Physical (what sensations arise in your body as you hold these questions and the answers that emerge?)
Mental or intellectual (what is your rational/thinking mind saying?)
Emotional (what emotions arise and what messages do they bring?)
Spiritual (what is the Universe/God/spirit/nature asking of me, telling me or providing me?)
Consider what is calling you forth. What are you yearning for? Tap into your heart, your gut, your intuition, your spirit. And don’t worry if it’s nothing like what everyone else is doing (hint: that’s usually a sign you’re on the right track!).
Step 2: Choose & Commit
If and once you’ve identified the thing(s) (behaviours, habits, activities, relationships, projects, etc.) that feel most important, most urgent or calling to you most loudly to change, select one, two or three (not 12 or 27).
Sometimes this priority is loud and clear; other times it takes some consideration, some weighing of options. A helpful question can be: What will I be most fulfilled by a year from now, if I took action on it?
This step is just about the “what” -- don’t worry about the how just yet. Answer the questions:
What is the change?
What will be different?
What am I committing to?
Once your choice is clear, then commit to it, for realz. Here are a few ways you can do that:
Write it down -- on a sticky note; in your journal; in a blog post; on social media.
Declare it out loud to yourself -- face yourself in the mirror and tell yourself what you are committing to; say it to yourself every morning or before bed every night.
Share it with a friend, accountability partner or support group -- this is where those group programs, a coach or other trusted accountability partner can help by witnessing you and supporting your commitment.
Buy the program, the membership, the course, the workout gear. Put your money where your mouth is. (If this makes you queasy or anxious, return to Step 1 and listen again.)
Step 3: Plan & Enact
Once you’re clear about your goal or outcome, then create your (easy, simple) plan of action.
What will you do? Start, stop, learn, give up, curtail, etc.
How will you do it? Schedule it, avoid it, practice it, repeat it, create it….
When will you do it? Daily, weekly, within a week, a month, a year...
Where? At home, at work, outside, in your mind...
Who will you do it with, or who will support you? Yourself, your partner/spouse, a friend, a virtual group, colleagues...
Break it down into bite-sized pieces, starting with the easiest first step. Keep it simple so you don’t become overwhelmed with the enormity of the task (that’s one way we stop ourselves from making progress). Think: one foot in front of the other.
To create a sustainable action plan, it helps to consider these things as well:
What are the milestones along the way?
How can I measure my progress?
How can I reward myself throughout the journey?
What will get me off track?
What will help me get back on track when those obstacles or distractions show up?
Then do.
Step into action, whatever that action is. Keep track. Give yourself a gold star or tick the box. Reward yourself often, especially early on as you build momentum.
Step 4: Evaluate, Adjust & Celebrate
You’ll learn lots as you put your plan into action, so bring a curious mind and be ready to honestly evaluate what’s working for you and what’s not, and make adjustments along the way. Return to your choice and commitment often to check for resonance and ensure the action you’re taking will get you to your desired change or outcome. If not, try a new action (keeping it simple!).
Insider Tip: One of the things you may learn is that the choice you’ve made and created a plan to achieve isn’t really what’s most important, most enlivening, most urgent to you after all. No problem! That’s not a failure -- it’s a clarification. Simply circle back to Step 1 and begin again with this new information. We can sometimes tell ourselves that we’ve chosen THE thing, but it’s actually beside the REAL thing. It can take time to get clear on that, so congratulate yourself and carry on.
And celebrate! Celebrate your progress, the milestones you reach, the learning you have about yourself. We tend to gloss over accomplishments in our lives, even small ones, so be sure to take a moment to recognize your effort, your progress, your growth. Consider sharing your journey with others as a way of celebrating and inspiring others -- win-win!
Here’s to the new year being exactly what you want, for you — whether you choose to break away from the herd and find your own field, or seek comfort and support from a group of like-minded souls, or something else completely.
Need some help working through this process?
Schedule an initial conversation to explore what you might want to change.
Or, work at your own pace through the Curating Contentment workbook.
Give Yourself the Gift of a Positive Perspective
What would it be like to be able to find the gems in the rubble of 2020...or anything yucky, crummy, disappointing or upsetting?
Imagine being able to be with the bad stuff of life, AND simultaneously seek out and appreciate the good. How would that change your approach to life, your mood, your level of satisfaction?
One of my superpowers as a coach/human is finding silver linings, finding the good in the bad, getting the learning from the discomfort. This skill -- being able to choose a (positive) perspective -- and see life from it, literally changed my life. I developed this ability through two big events in my life:
Completing transformational coach training and certification in 2014-15, and
Being diagnosed with cancer in 2016, and having a successful resolution in 2017.
Since those two experiences, I’ve been wired a little differently than before (literally, my brain function has changed - I’ve rewired my neural pathways...no biggy). When I look at my life with a chronic condition before and after this learning, I can draw direct conclusions that my ability to see silver linings, or gifts in crummy situations, is what has made living with my condition so much easier. I used to be so frustrated with diabetes -- annoyed by it, fighting against it, resisting it, ignoring it, being angry and victimized by it -- until I changed my relationship with it by seeing it from a different perspective.
I’ve known this is my superpower for a while now, but I struggled to figure out how to share it with folks in a way that’s understandable, applicable and doesn’t sound like fluffy woo-woo promises. I didn’t want it to be written off as a silver lining silver bullet. I knew I could help people unlock more ease and peace in their lives; I just needed to find a way to talk about it!
This summer, I participated in the Positive Intelligence coaching program (founded by Shirzad Chamine) and a framework from that model gave me a simple way to translate how I shifted my mindset from only negative to at least some of the time positive and be able to share it with others. As a PQ Coach, I’m using it as the backbone of my program, Positively Chronic.
One of the key components of Positive Intelligence and its backing research in neuroscience, positive psychology and performance psychology, is about what the founder calls the Sage Perspective, and it is this: “Every outcome or circumstance can be turned into a gift and opportunity.”
My language for this: there is always something good in the bad; a gem in the rubble; a lesson in the discomfort.
When we embody and believe this, we are enabled to approach life and challenging times from a place of empowerment, creativity and possibility, authorship, ownership and choice...rather than from a place of defeat, victimhood and blame.
***Something super-duper important to remember: finding a gift or looking for the positive DOES NOT negate the sh#tty stuff that happened and the damage or hurt or other very real negative consequences that happened -- it’s not EITHER a gift OR a bad thing -- it’s BOTH, AND. We just don’t want to get stuck in the “this is bad and only bad” mindset (trust me, 35 years of that was enough) and not be able to see our way out.
We just need to look at 2020 for living proof that this mindset, this perspective, is true.
I think we would all agree: global pandemic/COVID-19 = bad thing. People have died and are dying, and becoming sick and having long and challenging recoveries. Health care and other caring professionals are maxed out, exhausted and overwhelmed. Hospitals are on the brink, and in some place, out of capacity. Some indigenous communities are isolated and without proper resources and supports to manage and protect elders and other at-risk community members. Businesses have closed. Conspiracy theorists have gained ground and the worst, dangerous behaviours in self-centred, individualistic society are being seen every day. BAD!
AND… we’ve also seen goodness and creativity and connection emerge from the pandemic: neighbours getting to know each other, checking in on each other, helping each other. There has been support rallying for small local businesses. We’ve spent more time outdoors being active. There’s less pollution due to fewer commutes and less travel. On Tuesday this week, the first vaccines were injected in the UK — ready in under a year, with hundreds of others in development for COVID and other viruses and conditions.
There are good things if we look for them, and we can be inspired into action as well, to create more good.
When I look at my experience of living with Type 1 diabetes, some of the gifts I have because of that are being organized and able to plan ahead; being in tune with my body; having a high pain tolerance; I know lots about food and nutrition; and, I’m compassionate toward others because you don’t know what someone’s dealing with.
Out of my entire life experience, all the professional development I’ve done, all the coaching I’ve received, this is the key — the ability to choose my perspective. It’s the single most valuable and applicable “tool” I got. I use it every day in all kinds of situations. I tap into my Sage perspective, and it opens up playfulness, exploration, creativity... and it helps me realize that things I used to make a big deal about aren’t that big of a deal. This is the gift of choosing a perspective.
Your invitation is to hold the belief that there’s a gift in every circumstance, or at least hold the possibility that there might be a gift, or something good in a crummy situation...and see what you notice. See how that changes your outlook, your mood, your ease.
If this is too big a stretch and you’re struggling to find the “good” or the gift in your chronic condition -- or anything -- participating in Positively Chronic might be the thing that gives you back some ownership and power over your mindset. Reach out to see if it’s the thing for you.
SUPER SURPRISE DECEMBER DISCOUNT:
I’m offering $100 off the group program,
and $200 off the solo program
if you register by December 15!
Note: the solo program is suitable for a chronic condition focus, or can be modified for any other focus you have.
Help for the Holidays: Numbing or Soothing?
The holiday season seems to dial up stress for a lot of folks, and this year, with the added uncertainty created by a global pandemic, many folks are bursting at the stress-seams...especially those who feel pressured to make the season magical and do all the things. (Which is cool — totally your choice! Magic is awesome!)
To deal with this stress, some folks end up soothing themselves (healthy!) or numbing themselves (unhealthy!). Both are motivated by a need for release from reality and responsibility. The goal in each case is to feel better and like we can make it through this tough time.
Let’s distinguish between the two.
Numbing = Disengaging / Escaping / Distracting / Ignoring
Typical ways we numb:
Physical: food, alcohol, drugs and other substances, excessive exercise, excessive or risky sexual release
Mental: staying busy so you don’t have to think, escaping through media (TV, internet)
Emotional: dopamine hits from shopping, gambling, social media scrolling
Spiritual: obsessively following a teaching/doctrine, cultism
Soothing = Calming and comforting the nervous system and body, mind and/or spirit
Typical ways we soothe:
Relaxation practices: massage, yoga, hot tub or bath, aromatherapy
Connection practices: being with or conversing with loved ones, animals, in nature
Contemplative practices: spiritual rituals, journaling, meditation
Energetic practices: movement and exercise
As I consider the distinctions, I can boil it down to this:
Soothing comes from love; numbing comes from fear.
When we soothe ourselves, we are consciously choosing with the intention to support and comfort ourselves, from a place of compassion, self-love and trust that we’ve got this. It’s like we say to ourselves, “Self, I see you doing your best, and you need some reinforcements. Enjoy this [insert soothing thing].”
When we numb, often we are choosing what is a) easy and accessible, and b) has an immediate dampening effect on our stress or yucky feelings. We may be saying to ourselves, “Self, let’s run away from this flaming dumpster fire because we can’t deal!”
The tricky part: sometimes what starts out as a soothing practice turns into a numbing practice.
What begins as a half-hour escape into storytelling by watching Netflix in the evening turns into planting yourself in front of the TV for hours (days) on end. What begins as a glass of wine on Saturday night turns into a glass of wine at 4 p.m. on Tuesday…and 5 p.m., and 6 p.m. and again on Wednesday, and…
So, when is too much too much?
It can be a very fine line between what’s healthy and supportive, and what’s unhealthy and detrimental. And, that distinction will be completely unique to you. You’ll know when you’ve tipped the balance.
And this isn’t about judgement. It’s about discerning what’s healthy and helpful to you, what benefits you, what helps you live in integrity with yourself. It’s not about what someone else thinks about your choices.
Signs that you’re near or over this tipping point:
It’s all you think about
You start earlier or increase the frequency of the practice or habit
It’s automatic or an unconscious habit
You feel guilty or judgemental later
It impacts your connections, your quality of life, or your ability to adult
It feels like it is controlling you, not the opposite
So, if you notice you’ve tipped to numbing and you want to tip back toward soothing, here is a process to help rebalance and shift unhealthy habits and unconscious behaviours.
Step 1: Choose the change you want
What’s the habit you want to shift?
I want to not mindlessly scroll through social media for an hour every night.
I want to drink wine only on the weekend, not every night.
Be specific:
Create a boundary or structure: 5 minutes, 15 minutes, 1 hour
Or, decide to go cold turkey (do a fast) for a set amount of time: 1 week, 1 month, etc.
Step 2: Identify the “why” of wanting this change
What will be different when you make this change?
I won’t go to bed feeling like my life doesn’t measure up to what I see on social media.
I won’t feel like I’ve wasted an hour, again.
I will have time to do something before bed that nourishes me.
Consider both your heart-based/emotional and logical/rationale reasons for wanting to change.
Step 3: Strategize alternatives
Ask yourself: What choice could I make that soothes, serves and supports me instead of this one? Then find a healthy replacement habit to swap in. A tactic to have handy so you don’t have to come up with a healthy choice is to create a soothing toolkit. Then you can reference it in times of need. Some aspect to consider:
Physical soothing: heat pack, movement, healing touch, bath, cozy blanket, tea
Emotional soothing: connection/conversation with a loved on; music or meditation, journaling
Mental soothing: healthy distraction from responsibility (i.e., 1 episode of a show), reading, meditation, time in nature
Spiritual soothing: prayer, meditation, time in nature, connection with spiritual community, creating art
Step 4: When you feel the urge to run or numb, pause and notice
Ask yourself:
Why am I choosing this? (this can be challenging to answer)
What am I feeling? (and sit with that for at least 5 minutes)
What do I really need?
Step 5: Celebrate progress and reinforce
Reward and acknowledge yourself for every healthy choice you make as you begin to shift your numbing to soothing.
When you notice yourself noticing – yay!
When you meet a commitment – yay!
When you notice that you didn’t notice or meet a commitment (give yourself some grace) – yay!
And seek support if you need it. Ask a trusted friend or family member to check in with you on your progress, or help hold you accountable to the new behaviour you want to establish. We can often feel shame and judgement when we’ve chosen unhealthy habits, but know that you are not alone. We all numb ourselves sometimes! We’ve all been there, so let others help.
As we head toward the holiday season, here are some questions for contemplation:
What default or unconscious or unhealthy habit are you committed to changing?
What healthy habit or practice could you swap it for?
What supports will you need to follow through?
What can you tell yourself when you default to numbing?
A couple of fantastic resources about habits, if you want to go deeper, are:
Better than Before (Gretchen Rubin)
Atomic Habits (James Clear)
Or, reach out for help from a professional coach (like me!) to identify and shift habits to support your well-being, especially during these challenging and stressful times.
When Your World Feels Smaller...Again
I was working on a different post to today, about playing safe and succumbing to sabotage….but as I’ve watched the world unfold over the past week, that doesn’t feel as urgent or important as addressing what many are dealing with right now. With COVID cases rising in Western Canada in particular, where I am, and in other parts of the world as the second wave hits full surge, there’s a new sense of urgency, hopelessness and frustration mounting.
My hometown back in Saskatchewan has been hit with an outbreak at two care homes, a child care centre, and a local business. So far. Staff and residents of these facilities, customers and members of the small community are being hit hard. Childhood friends’ parents, siblings and grandparents are testing positive, being isolated and in some cases, being hospitalized and placed on life-supporting ventilators.
It’s scary, and it’s personal.
In other parts of the country, infection, hospitalization and death rates are rising (again), and so schools are closing (again), restaurants, gyms and other businesses are closing (again) and other restrictions are being put in place (again) to slow the spread of infection to enable the healthcare system to keep up with demand, so they can, you know, save lives.
I want to offer some words here that may help if you’re struggling to be with this uncertainty, fear, despair and sense of foreboding.
If the thought of locking down during the cold, dark winter months has you feeling like You. Just. Can’t. Even.
If you can’t find it in you to strap on your mask and do it all over again, and maybe again, and maybe even again.
If you’re depleted and defeated and despairing.
Here are some tips, perspectives and inspiration to keep you going. Take what helps, set aside what doesn’t, reach out if you need more, and pass this along to anyone else who may need it.
It’s okay to feel overwhelmed / angry / afraid / hopeless / whatever.
Basically, it’s okay to feel it all, especially the hard, negative, uncomfortable stuff. Be in it. Allow it in, observe it, be curious about what it reveals to you and about you. When you are ready (you’ll know: you’ll be sick of feeling this way) only then begin to move forward. This is how we build resilience. For a refresher, read this.
It’s okay to ask for help.
We’re holding a lot right now. Again. Still. There are people who are trained to help in times like these. There are also people who are untrained and who love you and want to help. Reach out and ask for help when you can’t carry it all alone.
It’s okay to take care of yourself.
In fact, please do. And if you need it, here’s my piece on self-care as a reminder of how to prioritize and embed care of self in your daily life.
It’s also okay to feel good, despite everything that’s going on.
Maybe you’re cushioned from the blows this pandemic is battering on those around you. You like (and are able to be) working from home. You like your housemates enough to spend 24/7/365 with them. You’re healthy. Maybe even happy.
If you’re already feeling good, why not shift that to feeling grateful? Engage in a daily gratitude practice to maintain the positive vibes and healthy outlook. It will boost your immunity, make you more pleasant to be around, and more able to show up and do your good work and support those around you.
And, if you need help to feel good, I love this happiness chemicals cheat sheet that’s circulating on various online communities right now, that I recreated.
Feeling good is good. Doing good is better.
If you're able and it’s safe, offer to provide assistance to the marginalized communities in your world, either through your money, your time or your effort. The homeless and at-risk population in particular has been hit hard by the pandemic -- lack of beds in shelters due to social distancing; lack of money to be made because of fewer pedestrians and shoppers, fewer people carrying cash and fewer transactions in the sex trade due to social distancing; lack of outreach supports due to lack of funding and volunteers who are themselves vulnerable because of age or health conditions. And now with winter weather underway, there is likely (for sure) someone who will benefit from your generosity and good fortune -- you just need to look and offer it.
It won’t be like this forever.
It just feels that way. Several promising vaccines are in trial. There are smart people working on solutions, tracking and analyzing information, making sense of the chaos. We, through them, learn more every day. There’s hope. And let’s be real: it also won’t ever be exactly like it was before. That fact can be hard to understand and accept, so please don’t despair if it feels like too much.
What can help? Grieve what you miss, what you long for, what you regret. Then allow yourself to dream about how it might be when we can gather in large groups, hug our friends and families, and enjoy unencumbered movement and travel and care-free-dom again. Create a list of “what you’ll do first when...” Let it inspire you. Share it, so it may inspire others. Let’s dream together.
You can keep doing uncomfortable things, and you can do hard things.
Let’s be clear: for most people, wearing a mask is not a hard thing.
Washing your hands is not a hard thing.
Refraining from going to a restaurant or a movie is not a hard thing.
Being isolated in your home, whether that is a house, an apartment, a hospital room or a care home, can be hard.
Closing your business because it’s no longer viable is hard.
Being ill and hospitalized and ventilated is hard.
And living in ambiguity, in uncertainty, and feeling untethered is hard.
Acknowledge yourself for all you’ve done and grown and learned this year: your adaptability, your stick-with-it-edness, your ability to get up each day and keep trying. Celebrate that you’ve made it this far. You’ve made it nine months through a pandemic.
You know what else takes nine months? Growing a new human being. How have you grown over the past nine months? Consider all the skills, choices, ups, downs and sidewayses that you’ve incubated, nourished, hoped, dreamed, grieved, supported, tried, failed and delivered through the past nine months, and give yourself some credit.
And maybe some cake, too. Celebration calls for cake.
The bottom line, for now.
Uncertainty is difficult for us humans. Extended uncertainty is really difficult. Most of us tend to like certainty, structure, routine, a sure thing, some boards to bounce off of (a winter/hockey metaphor for you there). We’re figuring out how to be and do in these strange times, making it up as we go, still, nine months running.
And maybe that’s okay. Maybe that’s even a bit emotionally liberating for some of us.
What rises to the top of your priorities when the world is shutting down or closing in/up around you?
What can you set aside, set down, settle so you can attend to what’s most important, most helpful, most comforting right now?
What falls away?
What reveals itself to you and in you?
How can you hold this uncertainty as an opportunity for choice, clarity and discernment?
If you’re called to explore these questions, or need help of any kind (a referral to a service provider, recommendations for resources, or anything else to help you carry on) please reach out. Let’s take care of each other.
Inspired Action Alert
I want to call out the impact of being moved to inspired action despite a negative circumstance. A childhood friend, Shannon Grant Tompkins, started a Facebook page after her father was hospitalized due to COVID last week to bring attention to the real people this pandemic is impacting. By inviting folks to share the human faces of the pandemic, she’s creating community, an avenue for witnessing and space for healing, which is what we need right now. You can find it here: Beyond the Statistics: The Canadian Faces of Covid-19. Please send some positive healing vibes her dad’s way.
Finding Gifts in Chronic Illness
I remember the first time I heard someone describe their experience with a rare form of cancer -- including intrusive testing, rounds of chemo, a near-deadly infection and a stem cell transplant -- as a gift.
Whaaaaat? I’d thought.
But then I saw how they lived -- really lived -- after coming through that ordeal, and I started to understand their perspective.
And then I had my own experience with a cancer diagnosis, and the limbo time of not knowing how bad it was, or what treatments would be needed, and what outcome might be likely, and that perspective sunk deeply into my bones.
Getting a scary diagnosis can be a wake-up call for many folks. It was for me.
And while my cancer experience was relatively easily and quickly resolved with positive outcomes, the lessons that came from it have stayed with me.
Life is short, so focus on what and who really matters.
You don’t have put up with bullshit.
Live in the present. Let go of the past.
And all the other things you see in trite memes on the interwebs. (And, they’re true.)
The immediacy and urgency of a scary diagnosis, and coming through the other side, often feels like permission to change things up in our lives.
I wondered, could that be the case for people with chronic illnesses too? I mean, getting handed a life-limiting or life-altering diagnosis (rather than an imminent or potentially imminent life-ENDING diagnosis) throws your life into total disarray, too. It causes you to question and assess and adjust and learn and stretch and adapt like nothing else, just so you can keep living.
My experience of having a chronic illness is that it’s like a heavy pack that I can’t ever set down on a hike that never ends (until it does!). It’s a slog.
Could that pack have some gems hidden in it? Could I see a long-term illness from that same perspective -- as a gift? Could that pebble in my shoe that’s piercing my tender arch as I walk through life, actually turn out to be a sparkly little diamond?
I began asking myself:
What’s the gift of a chronic illness?
What has it offered, created or inspired in my life?
What have I learned because of it?
How have I grown because of this illness?
Here’s what I can directly attribute to living with Type 1 diabetes for nearly 40 years:
I’m a master planner and am incredibly organized. I can see an outcome and work backwards to create the minute steps and sequences to arrive there. I love calendars and schedules and had to learn early on how to plan ahead for all outcomes and be prepared -- packing extra food, all my supplies and backups for any outing, whether for an hour or two weeks in a foreign country. It’s why I landed naturally in communications strategy and execution, and strategic planning and project management as parts of my career path.
I’m in tune with my body in a way a lot of other people wouldn’t be. I know what it feels like to have plummeting or skyrocketing blood sugar, or the particular cause of a headache based on how it feels and where it starts. I know when to expect a yeast infection based on my blood sugars, or what my blurry eyesight means, or what this level of energy or lack of energy means. I know to expect low blood sugars when my hormones are cycling at certain times of the month. The number of times I pause during a day and listen and feel into my body to inform my choices -- whether to eat, sleep, walk, get on a call with a client -- is likely in the range of 100-200 times a day. In fact, a study out of Stanford several years ago found that diabetics make 180 extra health-related decisions a day compared to non-diabetics. Those decisions are based on both quantitative and qualitative data; checking in with our bodies is second-nature.
I know more about food and nutrition than most people, and the way those foods, in combination and alone, impact my body. I know the carbohydrate, protein and fat counts of most foods without looking at labels. I know how I will feel after eating a bowl of pasta or a handful of grapes or one Halloween-sized chocolate bar.
I can do mental math to calculate the amount of insulin I need to take to be able to absorb any food safely into my body and maintain blood sugars in my target range, while weighing other contributing factors like exercise (how much? how long? what kind?), how much onboard insulin is coursing through my veins, hormonal fluctuations, and the digestion rate of food I’ve eaten earlier and will eat later.
I have a high pain tolerance from stabbing myself with lancets and needles and inserting cannulas and other subcutaneous devices over the years, as well as going for regular blood work...every three months I get stabbed by the professionals. To give you an idea of how many pokes and injections I’ve had… over 38 years at an average of 4 blood tests a day (understanding that on day when my blood sugar is bouncing around, I’ve tested in the range of 15-20 times), I’ve had my fingers poked over 55,000 times (which is why I have no fingerprints on some of my fingers); over the 20 years my insulin was delivered by needle, I have injected approximately 22,000 of them; and since switching to an insulin pump 18 years ago, I’ve inserted almost 2200 infusion sets.
I’ve created healthy boundaries in my life to ensure I don’t burn out (again), get dehydrated (again)...or mentally come undone (again). I’ve learned to say no, to assess my energy inputs and outputs, and protect myself from physical and mental harm. I’ve learned what my limitations are and how to truly care for myself so I can be productive and feel like a contributing member of my family and society.
I know how to navigate the healthcare and health insurance systems, and how to advocate for myself. I learned how to trust my gut and use my voice to get what I need from the systems I fund that are supposed to serve me.
I’m compassionate toward others, especially those who manage a disease, condition or are dealing with upheaval. We don’t know what others are dealing with, and empathy goes a long way in giving others the benefit of the doubt and some grace to get through their day.
Through the conversations I’ve been having with others who answered the call to share their experiences -- long-term illness managers, their partners or spouses, their parents or adult children -- I’ve collected some of the other gifts that chronic conditions have revealed in their lives. I’ve paraphrased and directly quoted their brilliance (without revealing identities) below:
I’m super resilient.
I can do hard things, and make them look easy.
I have a high pain tolerance: I can take a lot, and keep going.
I’ve learned to really prioritize what’s important to me, and to focus my energy there, because I can’t do it all, and my capacity will change over time. I’m squeezing the best out of my time.
I’ve found community through sharing honestly, and received positive affirmation and validation and support in response. Even though it was scary, I shared publicly about really personal things, like the impact of the condition on my new marriage and our sex life, and found support in my community.
I’m independent and self-sufficient. I learned how to take care of myself at a very young age.
I’ve learned to ask for help and, more importantly, to accept it.
I’ve learned to live for each moment; this is all we have and it’s not going to get better than it is today, so seek the joy in each moment.
I find hope and joy in the small, everyday things. When each day might be my last, I’ve learned to savour my people and everyday comforts -- my favourite chair, my cozy sweater, the taste of apple pie.
I’m still fucking awesome! Despite [this condition], I’m still a contributing member of society, an amazing parent and partner, and I’m living a life that’s good and meaningful.
These feel like a balm to my heart, when I think about all the struggles and challenges and extra burden these folks carry, just to get through a day.
If you’re in the same boat -- managing a long-term condition -- and it gets you down, I encourage you to sit with these prompts to begin to open up the possibility of gifts that you have received because of your condition. These can be a place to turn for comfort on those especially hard days we all have from time to time.
Without this condition:
I wouldn’t have learned…
I wouldn’t have tried…
I wouldn’t have met…
I wouldn’t have…
If you want help to explore the gifts of your condition more deeply, or you’re really struggling to believe your situation offers any gifts, I invite you to consider participating in Positively Chronic, a 6-week mental fitness program to help rewire your neural pathways from negative thinking to positive thinking. Through it, you’ll build your “mental muscles” to be able to more quickly and easily find the gifts and opportunity in any situation or event. It’s been a game changer for me in how I manage the mental burden of living with a chronic condition, and I know it can help you too. Reach out if you want to discuss how you could benefit from participating.
Here’s what I know is true:
You are stronger than you think.
You have already done many hard things.
And, you are loved, no matter what.