A Call to Conversation for White People
These are my thoughts as they streamed out this morning during my morning pages exercise. Typically, I don’t re-read morning pages, let alone publish them, but this felt like a worthwhile time to share.
Like many other white people (privileged in that we live unafraid to leave our homes, drive our cars, walk down streets, live our lives) I too have been wondering what to do about racism, in light of the most recent horrible events in the U.S.
I’ve been reading posts and articles, gathering insights and perspectives, about how my voice, my privilege, my actions can be used for beneficial change. I certainly don’t purport to be an expert on race, oppression, history or hold any other deeply informed intellectual analysis of this situation. However, by not looking at my role in this society, in the systems and institutions in place, and the benefits I gain from them, I’m complacent, and therefore, racist. And that’s not who I want to be.
The videotaped murder of George Floyd by Minneapolis police officers makes it impossible to not think about racism. Mind you, all the other incidents of brutality, murder, oppression, incarceration, control, fear-mongering, fill-in-the-blank that exist in our North American society also make it impossible not to think about racism. And yet, things continue to continue as they have for many years, decades, centuries.
I wonder, will this latest surge of awareness and good intentions die down after a week, or a month, only to flare up (briefly?) once the next George Floyd is murdered? When will we be moved to action to rewrite, redesign, redirect our future?
There’s much work to be done to remove the white entitlement from every system in North American society.
I cannot imagine the fear Black men and women feel simply trying to go about their lives in the U.S. (and likely Canada as well), let alone the fear they feel for their children, the anger they must carry and keep smothered lest they be seen to fit a stereotype and therefore perpetuate it.
I cannot imagine the fear of Latin American families as they approach the U.S. border, fleeing upheaval and chaos in their home countries, only to have their children pulled from their arms, and the parents deemed criminals and turned away.
It’s easy to watch from Canada and critique the situation in the U.S., but that’s a) ignorant, and b) unhelpful. There are similarities between the Black experience in the U.S. and the systematic dismantling and oppression of indigenous populations in Canada. I cannot imagine the fear of having children kidnapped or forcibly taken from their homes and families and housed in degrading conditions hundred of kilometres away, only to be abused, broken and even die, and the ripples of trauma that creates in families and communities. It’s an ugly part of our collective Canadian story.
As white people who want to do good and be seen as good, there’s fear of getting it wrong, or saying the wrong thing, or appearing to swoop in and be the white saviours, and that can hold us back. There’s also a narrative running in white minds about not being able to solve the whole problem, and not knowing where to start, so not starting at all.
So I’ve come to this conclusion, which may change in the future as I continue to learn: The way forward for white people is to examine, educate, empathize and act.
Examine
We must examine our own racism and privilege.
My friend Gemma Stone wrote a helpful post and posed these questions (below), along with other resources in the comments of her original post:
For adults:
What media am I consuming and who is represented in it?
How do I respond when I witness overt and covert racism?
How has wanting to be good and likeable kept me from talking about racism?
How aware am I about the privilege I have? How do I feel about it?
What has stopped me from more fully engaging in anti-racism work?
For kids:
What’s your earliest memory around skin colour?
What do you understand about the power and privilege that comes from being white?
What have you not had to worry about because you are white?
What do you want the world to look like for all humans?
Educate
We must educate ourselves about the systems of oppression that we allow to exist, and from which we as white people benefit. It’s hard for us to see because we are in it and it is built for us.
A few informative sources:
From KatyKatiKate: 5 Racist Anti-Racism Responses “Good” White Women Give to Viral Posts
A brutally helpful graphic: (Source? If you know, I’d love to give credit!)
This snappy and informative guide by @courtneyahndesign via Unapologetically Anxious Me Podcast.
Insightful training I participated in several months ago: Sacred Inclusion, created and led by the lovely Eva Cruz Pena.
A few highly recommended books that are on the way to may house so that I may learn and continue the conversation:
Empathize
We must try to understand the experiences of those who are not in our shoes in order to fuel our call to change.
Here is one deeply moving example.
Act
We must take action to change what is not benefiting all members of our society, not only us.
From Corinne Shutack on Medium: 75 Things White People Can Do for Racial Injustice
Resources for what to do as a bystander.
Vote for leaders who share a vision that’s intent on fixing these problems.
Consider running for office if you are that leader.
Parting thoughts, for now
I feel that doing something is better than doing nothing, and we learn as we go.
Start with what we know right now, do the best we can, and do better when we learn and know better.
As white people, we need to claim what we WILL do about this, no matter how “small” or “large” that action is, and hold ourselves accountable to see that through, without getting distracted. How privileged we are to be distracted by cat videos, our roots showing and being Zoomed-out.
The hierarchy of human value is vividly apparent right now and the divides between us are blatant. Brown kids in cages at the U.S.-Mexico border. Every Black person in America a suspect in a crime or eventual crime in the vicinity, simply because they are Black. Indigenous communities without access to clean drinking water, safe housing, appropriate healthcare. People of colour and non-dominant religious beliefs unable to avail themselves of the help and protection most of us take for granted.
I’m called on to be a leader in some way, to add my voice to the change that’s needed. It’s my duty as someone who lives in privilege. Finding the thing is the thing now.
What are the new models of our economy and institutions (government, education, health care, social services, economy) that truly serve and benefit all, not just the privileged?
If we are looking at dismantling and redesigning our institutions that are currently founded on patriarchy, misogyny, racism, colonialism, oppression, separation, capitalism, we must be willing to let go of the way we each benefit from them and be willing to be uncomfortable for the sake of others.
The pandemic has shown us that this is both critical AND possible. Most of us with any amount of privilege have put aside at least some personal comforts for the benefit of others to keep them healthy and preserve our healthcare system, along with other essential services.
We can do this. We just have to choose to.
I don’t know the answers or the models or what the new thing is that’s needed, but sometimes knowing what it is not is a good enough place to start.
Right now, I know what we have isn’t working.
Right now, I have only questions and curiosity and a willingness to learn. Maybe my questions aren’t even the right questions, and maybe I won’t know that until I ask them.
My invitation is to open and forward the conversation to help create the vision for what we want our society, our institutions, our systems to be in the future, and then to bring that vision to reality.
I would love to learn from you and with you. Please share your resources, insights and ideas for addressing this huge problem. I know that by solving the problem of systemic racism, we will also find ways to solve other collective problems in the world, including poverty, climate change and all forms of oppression.
Individually and collectively, we can make a difference.
The Great Unshorn: A Pandemic Journey of Self-Discovery
What can your hair teach you about life after the pandemic?
So, how about this pandemic, hey?
For those of us who have been lucky enough not to get sick OR have loved ones fall ill OR have loved ones die, alone in a care home or hospital OR grieve from afar OR lose in come and financial stability OR have trouble finding food, medication, shelter and basic comforts, (deep breath) this pandemic has created an opportunity to examine what is essential in our lives.
You know, other than our health, our loved ones’ health, and our ability to procure the necessities of basic human survival.
The fact that you’re still reading tells me you’re probably one of the lucky ones. For those of us who are privileged to be able to maintain a semblance of pre-pandemic life, or absorb the punches coming at us and remain standing, the opportunity to question our first-world daily luxuries is ripe. And I say we pick ‘em.
Case in point:
I’m noticing in the circles of women with whom I’m intertwined, there is a lot of chatter about the state of our hair.
(Now, in the life-threatening seriousness of a pandemic, talking about hair may seem frivolous. And it totally is. But stay with me here.
I want to use the example hair provides to examine all the choices we make about our discretionary resources, and even our entire lives. We’ve all had a relationship with hair in some capacity (whether we currently have any or not) so it offers a tangible starting point for diving deep within.
And by looking within, we can discover what’s driving our choices, and therefore either continue to make those choices from a place of conscious alignment, or be empowered to make different ones that will create the world we want on the other side of this pandemic. ‘Cause it’s not gonna be like it was before, and neither are we. And our hair can help show us the way.)
Back to pandemic hair.
I’ve seen and heard lots of lamenting of grey hair, too-long hair, unshaped hair. I’ve seen the tragic, hilarious and occasionally successful Quarantine Cuts that are happening at home. Heck, I performed one on my daughter. She’s happy, so let’s call it a success! I’ve seen the memes and the how-to videos, and the people growing their hat collections along with their locks.
So, how are you feeling about your hair right now, this many weeks into quarantine / self-isolation / lock-down?
I’ll tell you how I’m doing in a bit. But first, let’s focus on you.
For many women (and men, too), our hair is a major source of identity and pride and confidence. We’ve all had “bad hair days,” amiright? The fact that’s even a thing tells you how important hair is in our culture and in us feeling confident and worthy and capable. There’s something about having a “good hair day” that makes things feel easier, more enjoyable, and like we can take on the world and maybe more importantly, that we deserve to take on the world. It’s even been studied.
Our hair is a major investment of both time and money. Let’s start with money. The global hair care product market in 2018 was estimated at close to $88 billion US. Yup, BILLION with a B. B for Big Money. (During the pandemic, it’s already been projected that in the US people are spending almost 75% less than normal on personal services (77% less in the UK), including trips to the salon or barber, so while that’s moolah in consumer’s pockets, it’s leaving hair stylists empty-handed.
What to do about that? Send them some love...in the form of money, if you’re able. Your hair stylist is likely struggling in the income department right now. Why not send him or her payment for any missed appointments you might have had during this time? They get to eat and pay their rent or mortgage, and you get to feel good. Win win.
Next, consider how much time you spend on your hair. Let’s get hypothetical: You travel to and from your stylist once every six weeks, which takes you 30 minutes one way, plus chair time of (conservatively) an hour. That’s 8.67 appointments a year, so let’s round that down to eight to account for holiday weeks and to make the maths easy. So, eight appointments times two hours each equals 16 hours. Not bad. Only two business days a year going to the salon.
Let’s add in your at-home hair-care time. I assume you wash your hair, and I know there are different practices culturally and occupationally and whatnot here, so let’s just go with five washes a week and a 10-minute shower time and call it even. Again, keeping things simple. So, that brings us to 50 minutes a week times 52 weeks equals 2600 minutes or 43.3 hours of hair washing a year. Cool.
Let’s style those locks! We’ll apply some product, comb or brush, blow, curl or straighten, maybe stick it in some rollers or twisters or whatever new things are on the market, or slap it into a pony or in some braids, or spike it all up, squeeze it into a banana clip old school, whatever. The options are endless and so are the time allotments...so let’s just say it’s 30 minutes a day spent styling, and let’s just count five work days a week (you get weekends, whatever those are, off!). So, 150 minutes per week equates to 7800 minutes or 130 hours a year styling your hair. Neat-o!
Basically, if my math works out, an *average person (*completely unscientifically substantiated) spends almost 175 hours a year, or 3.4 hours a week, or just over ONE WHOLE WEEK (of 24-hour days) a year on their hair. And we didn’t even count the hours spent searching the internet for the perfect picture of that cut you want.
Bottom line: Big Money, Big Time.
So, I’m just gonna leave those numbers there for pondering.
Back to pandemic hair. Again.
During this pandemic, the inability to access professionals to shape, colour, tame, extend, curl, blow out and otherwise coif is sadly impacting many women’s self-esteem. (Here’s a resource for understanding and assessing the relationships between our appearances and self esteem.)
And I get it.
We all want to look how we want to look.
Cool.
Even if the only humans who will see us are either in our homes, or other unshorn grocery shoppers, food delivery drivers, or online meeting attendees.
Again, I get it. We’re visual creatures. We make millisecond decisions and assessments based on how someone looks. And, what has also been studied, is that we care a lot more about how we look than others do.
So it’s one thing to take pride in how your hair is did. But, if you are crippled with anxiety because your roots are showing, or your ends are splitting, or your bangs are too long, we should maaaaybe look at that. And, if you’re feeling resistance to looking at that, then we should reeeeeeeally look at that!
Park your internal critic and dial down your judge-o-meter, and with pure, open curiosity, ask yourself these questions and see what comes up for you:
What does your hair say/show about you?
Why does your hair matter (so much)?
Who expects your hair to look a certain way? And why? (If it’s not you, why does that person’s opinion matter?)
Who would you be without your hair?
Take some deep breaths. If difficult emotions are coming up and inner truths are hard for you, then switch to your logical brain and consider:
What is the true investment you make into your hair, and what’s the return on that investment? First, figure out the dollars and cents of it: What do cuts, colours, tools, and treatments cost? And, give yourself an hourly rate for the time you put into it -- and add up what you are not earning while doing your hair.
Then figure out what you get in return that’s a direct result of your hair: Your job? A promotion? Confidence? Compliments?
Is the ROI bountiful and balanced enough for you?
If not, where might you rather invest your time, energy and money?
Then, if you’re feeling brave, return to your emotional brain and ask:
From where might you rather source your confidence and self-worth?
That’s a lot of questions. Take your time with them.
Back to my pandemic hair.
That time it was a tad windy in Keflavik
I’m doing fine. Hair is actually not a concern of mine, which is maybe why I notice it being an issue for others and started thinking about it. In fact, my initial (ahem, slightly judge-y) response to hearing someone complain about the condition of their hair is an incredulous internal, “It’s just hair!”
That’s likely because when it comes to hair, I am beyond low maintenance. I just don’t place value on appearance in the same way that some other people do. Some would suggest I place too little value on appearance, but that’s for another time.
My hair is long and greying.
I have three styles: loose, low ponytail or high ponytail.
It needs a trim, but in non-pandemic times, I get it trimmed, like, two to three times a year. Tops.
I like simplicity and comfort and a low-maintenance lifestyle. That’s just how I roll.
It hasn’t always been like this. I started playing with colour back in about grade seven or eight, and have been everything from platinum blonde to flaming red. I’ve worn long styles, pixie cuts, perms (hello ‘80s!), a shaved head on numerous occasions, and all kinds of “needs weekly maintenance” coiffures over the years. But for the past 10 years, it’s been free of chemicals, and for the past seven, it’s been long and ponytailable.
Evidence that a professional styled my hair once for a fancy occasion
Why? Well, first and foremost, like a lot of women, I wear my hair how I like it, whether that’s au naturel or chemically processed or what have you. (Anyone else into grombre?) Unlike what the North American brainwashing beauty industry tells us, I CANNOT WAIT for it all to turn grey and I think it’s gwaaahhhrgeous!
And second, I would rather spend my time doing about a hundred other things, including sleeping in, than working on my ‘do. And I would rather spend my money on things that bring my life more meaning and joy, like books, travel (maybe someday again…) and really good coffee beans.
My values of simplicity and realness drive my choices around my hair… and a lot of other things in my life. Go figure. Your values of beauty and luxury and pampering, or something else, might drive your (different) choices. Cool. We all get to be ourselves!
Here’s a practical challenge for you during the pandemic (again, if you are one of the ones in a position of privilege and minor inconveniences): Let your hair continue to grow in whatever way it shows up. Meet it as it is. Let it be. And notice what that brings up for you.
What can you learn about yourself by being in the discomfort of not looking how you want to look right now?
What’s available to you from the discomfort?
Who are you without your “normal” or preferred hairstyle?
And do you like that person, or would you choose to be someone who isn’t defined / influenced / limited by their “bad” hair?
Now extrapolate the learning from that to other luxuries of your “normal” life.
Where are you investing your time, energy and money?
What’s the return you’re getting? Is it worth it?
When you look at the choices you make, are you living from your values, or not? If not, what are you putting ahead of what you value most?
What do you want to do about that?
Let your hair show you the way.
Reach out if you want some help untangling all this.
So, you wanna change? Part 2
In my last post, I wrote about motivations for change. In this post, I’m writing about choosing the speed of change.
From what I’ve seen in my coaching clients, people typically fall into one of two “comfort with change” camps:
Those who are invigorated by cut-all-ties, jump-off-the-cliff, run-away-with-the-circus, immediate and wholesale change.
Idea + Immediate Action = New Me!
ORThose who prefer incremental, slow-but-steady, baby-steps, cumulative change over weeks, months or years.
Idea + Plan + Implement Small Actions in Sequence + Evaluate + Adjust the Plan + Repeat = New Me!
The thought of walking into work one day and quitting spontaneously is terrifying for one person, and exhilarating for another. Similarly, the thought of losing 20 pounds of bodyweight at a rate of two pounds per week over three months is excruciating to some people, and perfectly reasonable and/or motivating to others.
Neither way is wrong or right, or risk-free. Both offer incredible opportunities to know yourself more deeply and make resonant choices in your life.
Let’s explore, and see where you feel more comfortable:
Leap of faith transformation
What it can look like:
Quitting your job without having a next source of income or a plan B
Selling everything you own and moving to a new community you’ve never been to before
Changing your appearance by shaving off all your hair or dying it a wild colour
Pros:
It will shake up your life and provide an opportunity to see what you’re really made of! What is the experience like for you? What reactions does it solicit? How do you respond to the reactions? What does that open up for you?
Similar to pulling off a bandage in one swift rip, a leap of faith can minimize the pain (sometimes) and propel you into a new way of being very quickly.
It gets you out of your rational mind (which will come up with 50 reasons NOT to do the thing if you let it) and into your heart and body, which can choose more spontaneous and less thought-through options.
A leap of faith can be a great jumpstart as a smaller challenge within a larger change, such as performing at an open mic night and evaluating that experience, instead of quitting your day job first and starting your rock star career the next day.
Cons:
Buyer’s remorse (Think: Oh shit! What have I done?!) may creep in later.
Sometimes: Danger!! May create financial, emotional and/or physical risk, depending on the leap you take. Again, you may find a high-risk activity exhilarating, while others may not. Not wrong or right; just something to be aware of.
When it’s great to jump into the wild unknown:
You feel stuck/bored/in a rut.
You know you might noodle over a choice for days, months, YEARS and never take action on it…and then regret it a year, a decade, a lifetime from now.
You have a high tolerance for risk and living in the unknown.
You fly by the seat of your pants and like to figure things out as you go along.
Incremental transformation
What it can look like:
Starting a side hustle while maintaining your current job until you’ve built up enough clientele/income to transition to the hustle full-time.
Booking several vacations to a new community over a year or two to see how you feel about moving there…someday.
Getting an extra half-inch trimmed off each time you get your hair cut, until after 10 visits to the stylist, you’re sporting a short ‘do.
Pros:
A slower pace allows you to adapt and evaluate along the way, and change course as you learn about what’s working and what’s not working for you. It becomes about the journey and not the destination.
Your life won’t be disrupted in a major way.
You may be able to keep your change process on the down-low and then do a big reveal once progress is made.
Cons:
You may be frustrated with the amount of time it takes to see substantial progress.
It can be very easy to revert to your “old way” of doing or being, since the change you are making is relatively small. The distance between old you and new you isn’t very far.
When it’s great to go slow and steady:
You feel like you have a lot of people depending on you, and you want to be considerate of the impact of your actions and choices on them. (NOTE: This is a fabulous excuse to NOT change! Don’t succumb to it! Plan, get buy-in and live according to your own heart!)
You have a low tolerance for risk.
You’ve learned that change can be difficult and scary, in your experience, and you like being comfortable.
So which feels more like you? Where has that approach gotten you in your life? Where has it prevented you from getting where you want to be?
Again, neither is right or wrong…one might be right for a certain change in your life, and the other might be right for a different change. I encourage you to look at what your usual approach might be, and ask yourself why.
What change do you want in your life that you might try a different approach, just to see what it’s like? What scares you about that? What excites you?
What’s possible if you change quickly or more slowly than you might normally?
I’d love to know! Comment below, share on my Facebook page or send me note!
Want some help to change something in YOUR life? Contact me to learn how!
Happy changing!
XO
Jilly
So, you wanna change? Part 1
As a coach, I help people change.
Sometimes because they want to.
Sometimes because they have to.
Some people love change and seek it out willingly. They often hire a coach to expedite and/or deepen their change journey.
Some people avoid change at all costs and put all their energy into staying the same. That’s cool.
And, some people have a big doozy of a thing dropped into their lives and they have no choice but to deal with it, and in so doing, they discover who they are through the process of rising to the challenge of change. That’s magical! (and a coach can help with that too!)
If you want to change something in your life, there are a few basics that I use when working with clients. Here they are!
Positive Motivators
Some people who want to change something in their lives — a habit, a belief, how they look, how they feel — are motivated by positive factors or influencers. These are the people who are spurred into action by what might be, by what’s possible, and by celebrating the progress along the way, as well as the final achievement of the goal. They tend to have a positive, appreciative, reaffirming outlook on life. Sound like you?
A few tools that can help these kinds of people in their change efforts are:
Visioning
Painting a vivid picture of what will be in the future is a powerful way to see the change you want, and keep motivated to make it real.
The more concrete, the better.
For someone who wants to improve their health, a vision that includes specifics (such as blood pressure of 120/60, sound sleeping for eight hours per night, able to lift 100 lbs without injury, eat a vegetarian diet five days per week, etc.) is more alive than the vague notion of “be healthier.” This is why vision boards are so popular and helpful — selecting and posting images of the future log in your brain, since humans are so visually-motivated.
Using all five senses, plus your desired emotional state, to design a vision is crucial to making it real in your mind, which will then lead to it being real in your life. And, specifics make it easier to measure progress, which brings me to…
Measurement and Celebration
Many people are motivated by achieving goals, even very small goals that move them toward a larger goal.
Take a runner, for example: When first learning to run, they may be able to run only one minute at a time. That was me, many moons ago. As they train and practice and develop the skill of running, the length of time and the distance they can run increases.
Back in the day, I ran a half-marathon. For several months, I trained as part of a group program that had weekly increases in distance, along with other skill-building drills, and we celebrated our accomplishments along the way.
This positive reinforcement kept our spirits up and kept us motivated through the heavy slogging toward that goal of running 21.1 km, and you can bet that we celebrated the day we successfully crossed the finish line.
This tactic is why some weight-loss, strength-building or other physical change programs work — there are measurements taken at regular intervals that celebrate accomplishment and motivate you to keep on track.
A word of caution: The key is finding measurements and celebrations that are meaningful and motivating to YOU, otherwise you may get into a comparison game. “Ugh, I’m not gaining muscle as quickly as Sara…I suck.” Not so helpful. Comparison, in the form of healthy competition, can be a motivator, but it can be a fine line — stay aware to it.
Negative motivators
Some people are motivated by negative factors. They are fed up with the way things are and want to create something different.
Anyone ever said, “I hate my job” or “My home is so dreary” or “This relationship sucks”?
In these cases, the motivation is to get away from, rather than move toward, something. That’s not to say you don’t want to move toward something — it’s just that the motivation is coming from a thing or situation that is negative, or dissonant to you.
Some tools that can help create change in these cases are:
Visioning (surprise!)
Creating a vision for the future that is NOT what the current (negative) state is can be super motivating. Sometimes, it’s easier to create a solid vision when you have something with which to contrast it.
NOT THIS (current sucky state), but THIS (future rainbows and butterflies state)!
A great way to create this vision in a concrete way is to grab a piece of paper, draw a line down the middle and make a list describing the current state on one side, and then one describing the ideal state on the other. Again, use your five senses and emotional impact of each state in your descriptions. Make it real.
Visioning Bonus Tip:
The way to really make a vision stick is to consider and describe the impact that vision will have on you or the world.
“When I’m in my dream job, and not this dead-end soul-draining place, I’ll feel valued and fulfilled. I’ll be excited to get to work every day. I’ll be doing my best work as a ________ to positively impact the world.”
For many people, the “what” of the vision isn’t quite enough…you’ll need to connect to the impact of the “what” — How will you feel? What will be different in the world because of the new state? Be sure to spend as much time (if not more) on the impact your vision will bring to your life.
Feel the Pain
Another way to use a negative motivator to instigate change is to really feel the pain of it. (Obviously, if you are in a dangerous/unsafe home/job/relationship, please don’t seek out more physical or emotional pain. Please get help from local authorities, a support line, OH&S committee, trusted friend or family member.)
If you hate your job, for example, when you get up in the morning (or whenever you prepare to go to work), take a moment to be with how you feel as you get ready.
What thoughts and emotions are moving through your mind and body, or collecting there?
How do you have to bolster yourself mentally to walk into that workplace?
What parts of yourself do you hide or protect while there?
What physical toll is that situation taking on your body?
What toll is it taking on your mental health?
How much are you spending on stress-relieving remedies because of this job?
Sit in the ickiness of the situation, and let those yucky feelings and costs motivate you to move toward something better.
Think about the #metoo movement: Women got fed up with the way things are. Women allowed their anger, disgust, discomfort, pain, rage fuel their voices and actions to create awareness, to create a new and better way, to create change. Think about Truth and Reconciliation. Think about Black Lives Matter. Think about any bad, horrible, disgusting thing that has happened in the world, or in a single life, that someone decided was not cool, and said, “Not on my watch.”
What about your life (or the world) are you sick and tired of and ready to choose or create something different?
In my next post (Part 2), I’ll share some insight on the speed of change.
Let me know what you think!
What other positive or negative motivators do you rely on or see at play in the world?
Share below or on my Facebook page.
Want some help to change something in YOUR life? Contact me to learn how!
XO,
Jilly
Making Time for Priorities
In my last post, I wrote about choosing from sooooo many good things, and I mentioned that even when we are able to choose, we sometimes face challenges when adding that new thing to our lives. Below are some of the common challenges that get in our way and my thoughts on what to do about them. Enjoy!
1. Lack of Commitment (to Yourself)
Some people feel they can't commit to a daily tidbit, or to a larger chunk of dedicated spurt time, for their creative pursuit. They will come up with all kinds of reasons why it won't work, how they can't find time, how no one will support them, how they have so many responsibilities, etc. etc. etc.
Congratulations, you are human! Here are my tips for enabling your commitment to yourself:
First, ask yourself: What am I making more important than this thing?
And then ask, Why?
There's a story you've been telling yourself about what's more important than this thing you want...might time to take a look at it and rewrite it. Maybe you aren't reciting this story in your mind, but it's showing up in your actions. Look at your patterns of behaviour. Where is your energy going now? What small shift can you make to accommodate this more important thing? Often, we feel the pull of obligation (to clean the house, to fold the laundry, to watch the Netflix...ahem) ahead of something personally fulfilling. Trust me, the world will not end if the dust stays on the floor of another hour. No mother what your mother told you.
Then, commit to trying it for a week, and then notice what is working and what is not working. Keep the parts that are working and adjust where they aren't.
Commit for another week.
Reassess.
Adjust.
Repeat.
New habit formed.
Easy peasy lemon squeezy.
2. Guilt (aka Lack of Boundaries, Being a Martyr, Putting Yourself Last, etc.)
How DARE you put your individual interests ahead of those of your children, your spouse, your extended family, your in-laws, your employer, your team, your clients, your volunteer organization, your banker, your mechanic, your dentist, the person who fills your gas tank, and that random lady you passed in the grocery store aisle?
Seriously.
How many of us have this dialogue running through our minds? How many of us unconsciously live this?
Enough. We must learn to put on our own oxygen masks before helping others, right? The same is true with our creative endeavours. There will always be responsibilities, like earning a living, keeping the fridge stocked and mowing the lawn. Why can't our creative expression be a responsibility? What example do we set if we never put ourselves and our needs and desires ahead of others? What message do we send to ourselves, to our souls?
Ask yourself: What is lost to the world if I don't say yes to my own creativity?
Too much, I say.
Say yes to what you want, and say no to feeling guilty about it. Try it for one day, one hour, one week. How does it feel to honour your wants and needs? How does it feel to establish boundaries around your energy, around your expectations of yourself? Need some help with this? Check out my Curating Contentment workbook.
A client is struggling to give herself permission to rest, to have down-time, because the story she is telling herself is that rest isn't "productive." And, logically, she totally understands that she needs rest in order to be productive, to show up as her best, most powerfully awesome and amazing self...in her job, with her family, for herself. So we worked on creating a new story about what rest is and what it means. We're rewiring her thinking, undoing years of conditioning, so that she has a life that SHE wants, not one she THINKS she's supposed to lead. It's not easy and it takes time and effort, but she wants it. Yay her!
3. Achieving the Mythical Entity known as Balance
"But how can I fit all the things I love to do into a single day, every day?" you ask. Who says you have to? Balance doesn't have to mean doing all the things every day for equal amounts of time. It may mean doing all the things across a week, or most of the things, across a month, or a year, or a lifetime. Rather than trying to jam all the good stuff into a single day, think on a broader plane...pull up to 20,000 feet and see how balance plays out across a longer time horizon.
Ask yourself: Where can I fit in tidbits, and where might I schedule a spurt, so that I'm doing what I love MORE of the time? How can I shift my perspective of what balance looks like so I'm not beating myself up?
Then book it! Make it happen. And notice how it feels to say yes to nurturing and prioritizing your creativity (or whatever thing you're yearning to do more of)!
When things feel out of balance, you'll know. Then soar up to that 20,000-foot view again and reassess, adjust and carry on.
4. Striving for the Mythical Entity known as Perfection
A client used some language this week that I really liked. She described how, when she's with a student who's learning something new, she affords them "grace and leeway make mistakes." What a lovely concept!
How often do we afford ourselves grace, or behave in a way that is grace-ful toward ourselves?
So many of us strive for being, or appearing to be, perfect....whatever that means...and then demean and demoralize ourselves when we don't achieve that ideal, usually on the first try. I choose to believe the definition of "perfect" is as nuanced and multi-faceted as each individual on this planet -- living, dead and yet to arrive. Perfect is whatever you are, wherever you are on your evolutionary journey, right now. And you were perfect yesterday and tomorrow you'll be perfect too. So just relax and enjoy the ride!
Can we all agree to let go of getting it "right" all the time, and rather, give ourselves permission to learn and grow and discover and try and fail and make fools of ourselves along the amazing journeys of our lives? My friend and colleague wore a fabulous T-shirt to a meeting last week, that looked something like this:
Where could you wear this T-shirt in your life? What might we all learn about ourselves and the world if we adopted this mindset rather than one of hoping for perfection (in the traditional sense of the word)?
That's what fell out of my brain today. Let me know what you think or feel about it. And let me know if you want to explore any of these concepts in YOUR life -- I've got a few spots open on my roster to begin working with new, amazing, fabulous people who want to wake up to their lives...maybe that's you?
In love and light,
Jilly
Too Many Choices
Ever have the problem of having too many good things to choose between? You have so many interests and opportunities and wanna-do's that you have trouble choosing which to say YES to? It's something I'm experiencing right now, and so are/have some of my coaching clients.
It's like having the truly terrible problem of too many flavours of gelato: they ALL look good, but you know you can't try them all (at least not in one sitting!), or there will be (negative) consequences...and the choosing can feel excruciating.
In moving to a new community, I'm in a state of discovery, which is very exciting. There are so many new places to explore, groups and organizations to join, volunteer opportunities to support. We have new neighbours to get to know, a new school community to participate in, new restaurants and markets and festivals and parks and trails and lakes and beaches to check out. There are community colleges and universities with amazing classes and workshops to take. There are book launches and gallery openings and speaker nights and live music and beer festivals.
I'm also trying to build my coaching and consulting business, so I've been attending networking events and joining communities of practice and working on updating my site and writing blog posts. I've gotten involved in the local deathcare community, as I've wanted to grow this aspect of my coaching for a few years now. I'm considering joining a couple of volunteer groups that align with my priorities, and I'm collaborating with other coaches on some new offerings. And, I've enrolled in a feminine leadership program to continue my personal development.
I'm trying to carve out time for creative writing (my first passion) and getting involved in the writing community after a 20-year hiatus. I've got two children's book manuscripts that need some love (and an illustrator! and a publisher!). I'm looking forward to attending at least a few events at the Victoria Festival of Authors later this month -- yay!
Oh, and since my husband and I aren't living 1800 km apart anymore, we can actually do things TOGETHER again. Like go on dates.
And our child needs to get to and from school, and the dog needs to be walked, and the laundry needs to be done, and the floor needs to be washed, and the meals need to be made, and...
So. Much. Good. Stuff. To. Do.
AND, there are only 24 hours in a day. And I like to sleep for at least seven of them, eight if I can get it.
So how do I choose where to direct my time and energy and effort and cash?
For me, knowing my values and my why help me choose. I discovered, or named and prioritized, my values when I was training as a coach, and I revisit and adjust their priority from time to time, and refer to them on a daily basis when making choices.
I also discovered my why, or life purpose statement, during my coach training. I check in with it to see if it still resonates and captures what I'm here to do, and make tweaks as I continue to grow and learn and evolve.
Defining values and crafting a life purpose statement are two of my FAVOURITE things to do with clients. They form the foundation of our coaching relationship, AND they add clarity and value to my, and my clients', lives. They make decision-making easy.
Here's an example:
One of my top values of CREATIVITY -- the ability to be creative, to create works of art, writing, or other formats of creative expression, to find new ways to solve problems, to combine things that aren't related to make something new and wonderful.
So, if I'm presented with a choice between doing something standard, routine and predetermined, like...going to a monotonous left-turning car race, OR doing something where I can discover and create and learn, like going to a poetry reading-slash-flamenco performance workshop... I'll choose the latter.
So then once I've chosen that thing over another thing, how do I fit creative pursuits, or personal interests, into my life as a coach, parent, spouse, volunteer, etc.?
I've found two methods that work for me, and for many of my clients, either alone, or in some combination of the two. I've decided to call them The Tidbit Method and the Spurt Method.
1. The Tidbit Method
This method is basically this: allocate a tidbit of time every day for that thing or things you REALLY want to do. For some people (not me), this looks like getting up an hour before everyone else in the house to read, write, meditate, pray, practice, exercise or whatever fills you up and helps you feel like a human being before the onslaught of the day. For others, it is getting up for a walk every two hours during the workday. Or scheduling a girls' night or guys' night or date night. You get the picture.
A small, repeatable piece of time to do the thing, and making that time sacred AF.
One of my clients is working on establishing a bedtime ritual as a means to calm her mind before sleeping so that she can have a more restful sleep and wake up feeling refreshed and creative. She's designed a de-stressing and brain-dumping process including things such as a warm shower to literally and figuratively wash away the day's work and worries, and journalling to empty out her thoughts so they don't run through her mind and wake her up throughout the night, so when her head hits the pillow, she is more likely to sleep soundly. She's even adopted some positive self-talk to give herself permission to go back to sleep if her working mind wakes her in the night.
And after just a few nights of this practice, she's noticed a difference. She's learned that in particular the journalling practice is crucial for her to have a good night's rest, and so it is becoming a sacred, protected part of her evening. Over time, these tidbits will accumulate and provide a cumulative positive effect on her stress level, her sleep patterns and her ability to be creative when she wakes. Ta da!
I had another client who dedicated 15 minutes every evening to write. Some nights, 15 minutes felt like a year. Other nights she kept writing for an hour with ease and in flow. After a week, she had her first draft of a book she's been carrying around in her brain for the last decade. Now it's on paper, and it's real, and she's got something to work with. Ta da!
The Tidbit Method is enabled by scheduling -- setting a specific time every day or week for that thing. Then -- the clincher -- making it non-negotiable. Some people thrive on this method and plan out their entire days, weeks, lives in this manner, but other people find this too restrictive, prescriptive or rigid. That's cool.
I've had limited success with the Tidbit Method for my creative writing. I tried to get up early and write; I tried to stay up late to write. Some days it worked, other days other stuff is on my mind and I'm unable to focus on my creative process, or the constant interruptions of a child or a dog or husband make it feel insurmountable. This method works for other parts of my life, so I embrace it there, and don't beat myself up about it for my creative endeavours. Too much.
2. The Spurt Method
The Spurt Method is basically this: allocate a chunk of time for the desired activity and do only that thing for that entire time. For example, I've created my own retreats -- booked myself into a hotel for a couple nights, ordered room service and went to work on a project, then re-emerged into my "normal" life and routine.
A spurt can last 15 minutes, an hour, a day, a week, several months...depends on your life and the 'what' of your spurt-time. Are you writing a book? Creating an art piece? Designing a program?
A wonderful article I read this week describes how the author, Claudia Day, used a spurt method to write her most recent book. As a parent, I find this too is how I work when it comes to my creative work...'stolen' or staked and claimed moments or longer chunks of time to focus and concentrate and hope the creative juices flow, and relying on the discipline and focus to be able to produce within that window. (I also loved the other themes of this article, about the dark and unspoken aspects of motherhood, which I'm all about exposing and talking about...maybe in another post.) You can read Claudia's essay here: https://www.theparisreview.org/blog/2018/08/14/mothers-as-makers-of-death/
The Spurt Method is also enabled by scheduling, and the ability to take a time-out from your regular life and responsibilities. Some people schedule seasonal retreats -- a few days every quarter to retreat, review, refresh, plan and then emerge. Others use their annual vacation from their accounting job to create several new works of art. Others leverage a few hours while the baby naps to create something... a melody, a collage, a meal.
Of course, there are challenges with implementing either of these methods, especially when it comes to choosing our personal creative interests ahead of the demands of our employer, clients, family, etc. So the choosing suddenly feels like the easy part. How do we fit all this good stuff into our lives, amid responsibilities and expectations and obligations?
I've got some ideas, which I'll share in a future post.
Until then, let me know -- how do you choose between too many good things?
In love and light,
Jilly